Artemis Coup, the Riders, Vampires and Vegatables
by x-Falling-Stardust-x
Summary: Artemis Fowl crossed with Twilight, Keys to the Kingdom, Eragon and whatever else comes to my mind. Parody! Hope you enjoy..
1. Preface

**PREFACE**

_Artemis Coup was a leprechaun, a very special leprechaun, in fact he was probably the most important leprechaun in the entire Hayvan district. He was one of the few riders._

_These riders were the elite, only a handful hatched every century. They ruled the skies on their dragons, enforcing the laws of the land. They protected the lands from attack by the vampires that lived nearby. They were hailed as heroes and none more so than the one, the only…_


	2. Chapter 1

**CHAPTER 1**

Artemis!!

I rolled off the bed in shock, rudely extracted from my daydreams by my mothers screeching. And yes I was still living at home at the age of 14 years, even though it was abnormal for a hatchling to remain with its parents for any longer than14 weeks, not years.

Artemis! You're late! She called again.

Alright, alright! I called back, still miffed that my Guinness induced reverie was over.

There were a few aspects of my dream that transferred correctly into the real world. Firstly, I _am _a leprechaun. Secondly, I _am _also a rider. But there are more differences than similarities.

We don't ride dragons, one the one hand they don't even exist, and on the other hand, even if they did then they would be far too big for us to ride. No. We are the dragonfly riders, masters of aerial display and lords of the skies, vulnerable to nothing.

Well, apart from large birds, small birds, passing cars, small children with butterfly nets, fly paper, see through windows and insecticides, among other things.

But apart from those, we are practically unstoppable. Apart from the other small problem that dragonflies only live for about a day.

But I digress, so onto more important matters; first, let me tell you about where I live. Being a leprechaun it is only natural that I should live in Ireland, just outside Cork to be precise.

Hayvan is, well it's a long story but basically we live in a greengrocer's van. Sydney's Veggies, it's called. We're stationed at the moment in a town called Knives, and it very wet and I don't like it much.

But forgetting all these problems, I was about to enter _The Apartment._ It is the epicentre of all life in Hayvan, where new riders go to learn the ways of the magic.

I was meant to be a great rider, my mother always told me, and she said that I was special. And I was, I was the heir to the whole of _The Apartment_ and of course I already knew everything there was to know about being a ruler of the universe.

After all, what child doesn't after years and years of role playing?

But this was where I was headed on a cold wet Monday morning, when I would rather be in bed.

I would have to spend a week there and collect the seven locks of magic along with their corresponding 7 parts of the Solicitor's bill to go with them.

I had reached the door to the Hayvan, and I stood above the apartment in all its miniscule radiance. It was no bigger than a shoebox and was lying just behind the Hayvan.

As I abseiled down the massive drop, away from the safety of my Hayvan, I was enjoying the sunshine after so many years of artificial light. But my enjoyment was not to last as unbeknownst to me an enemy had been lurking nearby.

Boo!! It called.

I screamed and let go of the rope, falling an enormous distance totalling 100cm to the ground.

Oh Dear! I am so dreadfully sorry. I don't know what came over me. I do hope you are uninjured.

It was a vampire. His bronze hair blowing gently in the gale strength breeze that whipped around us. He towered over me at the enormous height of 5ft9.

Hello, I said, recovering after my shock landing, How do you do?

How do I do what? He replied.

I stared at him unsure of whether he was joking or not. His vacant eyes stared back at me, evidently waiting for an answer, apparently not then.

Oh never mind, I said sharply, this was obviously a vampire who was rather dilapidated in the brain department.

While all this was happening, a matter of the utmost importance had eluded me; the Hayvan was in great danger.

I scrambled back up the piece of string I had abseiled down on, hurrying in order to tell my fellow Sydenizens about the demonic enemy, who was sat patiently watching the passing butterflies below.

Finally I reached the door; I pulled it open, screaming,

Hide...


	3. Chapter 2

**CHAPTER 2**

the vegetables!!

Chaos should have ensued. But instead of the normal pandemonium, to my surprise, no-one even batted an eyelid.

Why should we? Some smart-alec asked me.

Because there is an evil vampire waiting outside, I yelled back at him furiously.

Do you mean me? A voice inquired from behind. I screamed as I turned around and found myself face to shin with an enormous pair of legs.

Then came the chaos and all the while the stupid vampire just stood there and stared at us all in confusion.

I stopped also confused. Why wasn't he rampaging around stealing all our vegetables and pillaging all our fruit?

It may be a good idea to explain a few things about these vampires at this point; they are vegetarian, and I actually mean it, properly vegetarian, not just those fakers who just pretend to be and then eat you up.

They believe that it is cruel to drink the blood of animals; therefore they will only drink plant extracts; apple juice and such things.

The problem is that we Leprechauns are also vegetarian, so over the years a war has developed between our two cultures. We fight for the largest vegetable patch; the largest apple orchard; the best stocked kitchen garden.

And so dear friend, you now understand why having a vampire in our midst was a very terrifying experience.

Wait! Wait! Stop! Called the vampire over the dull hum of thousands of panicking leprechauns. I'm not after the vegetables; I just wanted to say hello.

And once again, leaving me very much astonished, they obeyed. How weird this day was turning out. Leprechauns stopping when vampires tell them to? What was the world coming to?

I eyed the vampire with suspicion, not wanting to be fooled if this was all just a clever ruse; it had been done before you know. Remember the potato famine in the 1840s?? That was caused by all those evil vampires stealing our crops.

But hang on a moment, this vampire? Clever? I think not? I cautiously let my guard down just enough to be able to speak civilly to the enemy in our midst.

Well, hello, then. I replied as is only courteous. Do you mind if I ask why are you not eating all out vegetables?

Well you see, the thing is that all your food has been murdered, he said happily.

This was coming from a vampire no less!

How do you mean murdered? I asked him.

It has been taken from the tree before its time. It has been murdered. He repeated.

OK then. Ever such a normal vampire this one was. He was a _fruitarian_, very unusual within his species. But, you know, each to their own. I could live with that, one less vampire in the world who was trying to steal our food. It was fine by me.

Well then, I said, If that's all then I think it would be best if you got on your way. After all, we have business to attend to. And with that I walked away back towards the exit of the Hayvan, leaving that stupid vampire standing there like the idiot he was.

_I would go to The Apartment_ I decided. _I would figure out this strange destiny that awaited me beyond Hayvan._

So that's exactly what I did. It wasn't exactly hard, I mean yes, the bank managers didn't want to hand over the Solicitor's bill, but what choice did they have in the end. I mean I am the supreme Lord of the Universe.


End file.
